Here are a few jokes I couldn't work into my officiant speech. Often a joke sat in a specific position (like the opening line), so I had to choose one and ditch the others. Other times, the joke was so ridiculous that it would have taken up too much time or emphasis and distracted from the whole point, which is to connect the guests to the witnessing. Anyway, here are the jokes: - (Opening line, whispered with an intensity) Don't look now... but there's a HUGE crowd of people behind you. - (Opening line) For those of you who are wondering why it’s me that’s officiating, it's because they wanted a very close friend to do this rather than a stranger who doesn't know them. And so, they chose me as that a close friend. We're very close. And it's an honor. It's an honor to be one of the closest friends of Sylvana and... (looks down and squints to read Sharpie marker note written on palm of hand) Eric, Eric. Sylvana and Eric. Eric, a close friend as well. - (Opening line) You know what's great is, I didn't have to read for this part. Just got cast in the role. You get to a certain point in your career and they just call you and say, "Hey, we wrote a part FOR you." It's great. - (Opening line) So I guess I'll say some stuff and then we'll drink and dance, how does that sound? - (Opening line of the entire ceremony, said with an insanely over-the-top country accent) How y’all doing today!? How y’all in the back? Didn’t get your RSVPs in in time and I guess they stuck you in the back, it’s all good. - (Regular voice) I actually came up with this character before I was told there was a welcome party, so many of you already know that this isn’t my real voice. But it sure is fun though, because I’m from North Carolina originally, where my Southern people at? There’s just something about that kind of energy that feels just overwhelmingly inviting. Like I could scream those exact things in this accent, literally my exact voice—how are you all doing today—and it’s a bit more like who the hell does this guy think he is, am I at a political rally? I’m not voting for him. (Back to country accent) But if I talk like this? Wow, that guy seems like a goooood timeeee. - (Opening line) This is super awkward but as I was walking up the aisle someone stole my wallet. I felt it. Happened probably about five or so rows back. (Point to someone specifically.) - I'd like to read a short passage from one of my favorite books, (pulls out book), War and Peace. Now, I know what you're thinking... but the reading is of one of the shorter chapters. That said, if you have to use the restroom, now is the time. - (Before the ring exchange.) What's funny is that, because your backs are towards the crowd and the only person you can see is me, it's possible that everyone could have left, and you'd have no idea. I could say I'm seeing anything—hey, in the back, please don't head out to the bathroom right now that's rude and inappropriate—see, but no one is heading towards the bathroom, which is the funniest—sir, again, I'm going ot have to ask you to sit down, and ma'am, please put your hand down, we're holding all questions until the Q&A at the end. Wow, I hold a lot of power right now. - We want to honor those that have passed on and can't be here with us today. But we also want to acknowledge that had they not passed on, you know, some of you may not have been invited because, well, we have to keep this wedding at a tight 75 invites only. It's not just a cost thing, it's a vibe thing. So while we're sad they've passed, we're also grateful—for the time they had! And for the time we have now, being invited, because there was a bit more room for some of us to attend. I mean, there are some of us that would have always been invited. But, there are some of you out there that would have been the first to go had one or two more great grandparents been alive. You know who you are.